Anxiety Homework
Step 2

Principle 3

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Highlights of Previously Covered Principles

  • Everyone has one PRIMARY “Core Fear”: The loss of “Love and Connection”, “Identity”, “Meaning”, “Purpose” or The “Fear of Death”

    Our primary Core Fear is the lens we use to interpret, not only the other four fears, but also how we see the world around us. This is an important part of this principle because this is one reason events are "interpreted" differently.

  • As we are experiencing a situation or event, the survival mechanism in our brain will always ask the question:

    Is this situation or event a threat or scary

    If it answers yes, we will use a defense - that is, our “primary strategy for protecting ourselves” from the threat or danger.

    All defenses uses controlling behavior to defend against the threat.

    Avoiding behavior is a type of controlling behavior.

3rd Principle: Defenses Always Backfire

Defenses always backfire when used in relationships!!!!

Anxiety that comes from the fear response is deeply-rooted in the human condition. Meaning, we are wired from birth with a fear response as part of our survival mechanism, which is why it is instinctually turned on when confronted with a threat.

Where this survival instinct fails us is when we see “threats” in our relationships. To be more specific, it is when we see “emotional threats”. Because our brain does not see a difference between a physical threat vs. an emotional threat. Therefore, in both situations, the result is the same, our fear response is activated, which then activates one of our defenses to protect against the threat.

The reason that defenses “always” backfire is because when using defenses to “control” what our brain perceives as a threat, does not work in relationships like it does with physical danger. In a relationship, the defense is trying to “control” every variable outside of yourself. This is why not only does our defenses ALWAY BACKFIRE, but usually makes the situation worse.

Examples of a defense that backfires:

  • The defense used: Someone who gives demands without listening to others first to “control” the situation.

  • They may see it as a win because: They “controlled” the situation by giving demands.

  • It backfires because: The other person(s) they gave the demands to, may not do what they where told, and or, it will cause a build up of resentment against the person who gave the demands.

In this example it shows how someone used a defense to control another person to relieve the anxiousness created by the threat. However, we can only control ourself.

Second example of a defense that backfires:

  • The defense used: Someone who is a people pleaser, goes along with what someone else wants, even if they want something different.

  • They may see it as a win because: They feel like they have avoided possible conflict or avoided possible disapproval from the other person.

  • It backfires because: They will never get what they actually want, and overtime will not feel heard or understood, and most likely will become resentful that the other person "always" gets their way.