In this exercise I want you to look back at your childhood experiences to see where your core fulfillment and core fear was "embedded" into your mind.
There are two ways a core fear is "embedded" in a mind:
You can have a traumatic event that occurs in your life. For example, if you are left somewhere as a child, like school or a mall, etc. and you felt "abandoned", that would create the core fear of loss of love and connection. And the pursuit of love and connection is how you would have fulfillment in life.
The second way is to have an event that is not traumatic, but it repeatedly happens to you. For example, someone who is noticeably different than those around them, if that difference is repeatedly pointed out it could threaten their identity. That could create the core fear of loss of identity and the pursuit of your identity is how you would have fulfillment in life.
It may be helpful to talk to older people in your family that can help you recall events that occurred when you were young. For myself, when I did this exercise my mother and I talked about several events from my past and we determined that my Core Fear was created in the first grade.
If you have any questions, please contact myself for clarification.
Anxiety Homework Page
Meet the Deconstructing Anxiety Experts
Dr. Todd Pressman
Dr. Todd Pressman, created the Deconstructing Anxiety Method over the past 30 years in his clinical practice.
Dr. Pressman’s private practice is in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania and provides mental health providers with certified continuing education training on anxiety. He has written several books including, Deconstructing Anxiety and Radical Joy. He also has several CD series including a Guided Meditation.
While Dr. Pressman has proved myself with over 50 hours of training on Deconstructing Anxiety, he is not part of my practice, Supportive Counseling, and does not provide counseling to my clients. I use Dr. Pressman for further education and consulting when needed.
You can purchase his works on Amazon https://www.amazon.com
Jason Powers, MA, LLPC
Jason Powers, MA, LLPC is a licensed counselor who has taken Dr. Pressman's Deconstructing Anxiety Introductory video course, an in-person intensive course and is currently part of a weekly group that meets with Dr. Pressman to discuss the five universal needs included in fulfillment. He is also scheduled to take Dr. Pressman's masters class for Deconstructing Anxiety in the summer of 2024.
Jason has been using Dr. Pressman's method with his clients for almost a year. He started out using it with just his anxious clients, but quickly realized it's potential and now uses it with both his individual and marriage counseling clients.
Deconstructing Anxiety Method
How to free yourself from apprehension, nervousness,
ruminating, restlessness, worry, anxiety or panic.
I see two types of people in my practice with anxiety problems.
The first type are people who experience anxiety symptoms ranging from an uncomfortable feeling to debilitating worry in their day to day life. This creates feelings of "being stuck", "a failure", or "a threat" is always around the corner.
The second type are people who do not experience traditional anxiety symptoms, they feel like life is not “bad”, but they are also not happy or have feelings of fulfillment in life.
To help you start having a fulfilling life, without constantly worrying about the future, I use the technique called "Deconstructing Anxiety Method". It was created by the psychologist, Dr. Pressman. He started to work on the anxiety problem over 40 years ago and how he has written several book and does training on his method to the mental heath field.
I have also been using Deconstructing Anxiety Method for other mental health problems. A few of the common issues I treat with this method is depression, some trauma, ADHD, marriage conflict and work goal setting.
Watch this 30 minute overview video to help you get an understand of why the Deconstructing Anxiety Method was created and why it is so successful.
I have been extensively trained in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method from Dr. Pressman himself. I have been using this therapy technique since 2021 for more than just my anxious clients.
Contact myself today to schedule your free consultation to make a treatment plan for you.
Schedule your free consultation HERE! or Text myself at (616) 822-8340
Fulfillment For Meaning
The achievement of something “desired”
When that “desire” is met, it brings
“satisfaction”
“happiness”
“joy”
a sense of completeness
“at ease” (peace)
Symptoms of having that loss include
1. Feeling depressed, sad
2. Feeling an emptiness or void
3. Feeling like a ghost, transparent, not seen, or hidden from others
4. Like you don't exist or matter
What does the fear of loss of love look like for you?
What does the fulfillment from love and connection look like for you?
Generally The Core Fear of The Loss of Love & Connection
Big Picture, what it looks like when you fear - The Loss of Love & Connection.
- These are general statements for what The Loss of Love & Connection looks like, so it can vary from person to person.
You fear the loss of love or not obtaining love.
You fear the loss of connection or the lack of good or new connections.
You fear being rejected by other people (can include people you personally do not know)
You fear the disapproval from other people (can include people you personally do not know)
You fear being alone
What Does The Fear of “The Loss of Love & Connection” Look Like For You?
Meaning, based on your past experiences, and in your own words, answer the following questions, describing them in detail. (submit your answers in the form below)
Each person who has The Core Fear of The Loss of Love & Connection will have similar answers, but will have unique facets that will distinguish their answers from others. That is what we are looking for in your answers.
Signs or symptoms that you are experiencing The Loss of Love & Connection.
Feeling alone or lonely, especially when you are around others.
Feeling bored, lost of interest being around others, isolating.
Upset at self because of how you acted in-front of others.
Worried about what others think or feel about you.
What does The Core Fear of The Loss of Love & Connection - look like for you?
In Our Last Session: We talked about 3 principles of the Deconstructing Anxiety Method
First:
During our counseling session we deconstructed one or more problems on the whiteboard to determined your primary “Core Fear” is.
It was one of the following:
The loss of “Love and Connection” (also called the fear of abandonment)
The loss of “Identity”
The loss of “Meaning”
The loss of “Purpose”
The “Fear of Death”
If we did more than one problem deconstruction, you saw that no matter what problem we deconstructed, it always had the same Core Fear. That does not mean we never have thoughts, plans or goals with each of the above categories to reach fulfillment, rather it means our Primary Core Fear is what we use to look at the other four fears. It is the lens we use to interpret and see the world around us.
For example:
Someone with the Core Fear of Loss of Love & Connection, will view Thanksgiving as an opportunity to connect with friends and family, have good conversation, spending quality time together, or possibly even making new connections. That is what is most important to them, where the food, house, etc. is secondary.
Whereas, someone who has the Core Fear of Loss Of Identity, will want to connect with others, but will also focus on: does the food reflect who I am and my ability to cook, does the house reflect who I am as a person, and the ability to keep it up, etc.
Second:
As we are trying to meet our desires for fulfillment, if we see or experience something and view it as a threat or scary, we will use a defense. That is, our “primary strategy for protecting ourselves” from the threat or danger.
All defenses are about controlling the threat or danger.
we can use “direct control” against the threat, a few examples are:
We will give demands to others without listening to them first.
We will yell, shout, etc. to get our point across.
We will make, what should be a joint decision, on your own.
We will use manipulation or misinformation to get your way.
We will overwork ourselves to “get it done” without help.
And others…..
Or we can control the situation by “avoiding” the threat.
We will people please to avoid saying what we really think or want.
We will use passive aggressive communication to get our point across with out directly saying it.
We will procrastinate to avoid the conversation or task.
We will listen to what someone says, but never respond or just walk away.
And others…..
We should have started the process of what your typical defense looks like when faced with problems.
Third:
Defenses always backfire!!!!
The reason that defenses “always” backfire is because anxiety is deeply-rooted in the human condition. Meaning, we are wired with a fear response as a survival mechanism, which is why it is instinctually turned on when confronted with a threat.
Where this survival instinct fails us is when we see “threats” in our relationships. Our brain does not see a difference between a physical vs. relational threat. The result is our fear response is still activated, which then activates one of our defenses to protect against the threat.
However, using defenses to “control” what our brain perceives as a threat, does not work in relationships like it does with physical danger. This is why our defenses alway backfire, and can even make the situation worse.
Examples of a defense that backfires:
The defense used: Someone who gives demands without listening to others first to “control” the situation.
They may see it as a win because: They “controlled” the situation by giving demands.
It backfires because: The person they gave the demands to, may not do what they where told to, and or, it will cause a build up of resentment against them.
Second example of a defense that backfires:
The defense used: Someone who is a people pleaser, goes along with what someone else wants, even if they want something different.
They may see it as a win because: They feel like they have avoided possible conflict or avoided possible disapproval from the other person.
It backfires because: They will never get what they actually want, and overtime will not feel heard or understood, and most likely will become resentful that the other person "always" gets their way.
The ideas and theories in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method are not new. But what is new is the way it looks at behavior and the roll it plays in causing anxiety and suffering. It also looks at the solution to stop anxiety and suffering in a new way. I recommend reading over this a couple times to help you grasp the concepts for our next session.
In our next session we will discuss the principle of how our unconscious and conscious mind plays a significant part of the Deconstructing Anxiety Method.
One of the goals in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method is to bring your unconscious (or automatic) thoughts to your conscious mind. Meaning, you need to become Aware of what you are doing and why, rather than just letting your “automated thoughts” make decisions for you:
Helpful Tip:
Currently, you are experiencing threats or dangers on a variety of levels, from “not that scary” to “very scary”. Because you are activating and using your defenses on a subconscious level, meaning you are automatically using your defenses without being aware of it. If that is the case, that you are not aware you are using your defenses, you are also not aware of how it is backfiring in your life.
Therefore, in the beginning you most likely will only recognize your obvious uses of a defense. While that is important to recognize, you also need to become aware of your less obvious uses of your defenses.
Lastly, it is a process to bring your unconscious thoughts and actions to your conscious mind (awareness) and it will take some time before you fully get a grasp of it. Keep trying every day and don’t give up.
Core Fear
What it Looks Like to Fear Abandonment (Loss of Love and Connection) - These are general statements and can vary from person to person.
We fear the loss of love or not obtaining it
We fear the loss of connection or the lack of new connections
We fear being rejected by other people (does not have to be someone we personally know)
We fear the disapproval from other people (does not have to be someone we personally know)
We fear being alone
What does the fear of loss of love look like for you?
Meaning, what does the loss of love look & feel like for you?
What does not obtaining love look and feel like for you?
What does it look & feel like to be rejected by someone for you?
What does it look & feel like to be disapproved of by someone?
What does it look & feel like to be alone for you?
Each person who has the Core Fear of the Loss of Love & Connection will have similar answers, but each person will also have unique facets that will distinguish them from others.
Symptoms when feeling the loss of love & connection.
Feeling alone or lonely
Feeling bored
Upset at self because of how they acted in-front of others
Worried about what someone thinks or feels about them
Fulfillment
Generally, Fulfillment Through Love and Connection Looks like:
Having meaningful connections with people who hold dearly
Prefer to live in a relationship rather than being single
Can be very talkative and dominate conversations at times
Is more interested in the “person” than the “place”
Wants to expand the number of connections
When the “desires” are met, emotionally it brings:
“satisfaction” from just talking to someone
“happiness” when feels loved by those closest to them
“joy” from spending quality time with their relationships
a sense of completeness as they grow together with others
“at ease” (at peace) when everyone is getting alone - no conflict
What does the fulfillment from love & connection look like for you?
Meaning, what desires do you have for love and connection?
When you feel happy, what does that look like?
When you feel joy, what does that look like?
When you feel at ease, what does that look like?
Communication Focused Therapy
How well a couple communicates not only predicts how a particular discussion will go, but also sets the tone for their entire relationship. When partners speak respectfully to each other they increase understanding, trust and positive connections. When couples speaks to each other in negative ways, frustration, conflict and avoidance quickly follows.
Research Backed Predictors for Divorce
Having more negativity than positivity in relationship communication
Escalation of negative affect (to influence, impact or attack) towards spouse
Couples using one or more of “The Four Horsemen” behaviors.
Defensiveness
Criticism
Content
Stonewalling)
Continually scanning environment to see peoples mistakes and correct them
People who have this behavior with spouse also have it with their kids
Emotional disengagement and withdrawal
Will not accept influence from spouse
Research Backed Predictors for successful marriage
People who scan their environment to see what is going well
They communicate appreciation and respect
They say thank you
They nurture (bring up, encourage) gratefulness versus resentment
They are gentle with each other and take responsibility
They focus on the positive emotions
Accepts influence from spouse
- (Gottman Institute Level 1 Training, 2016)
Whether you're learning healthy communication skills for the first time or working on changing the unhealthy habits you picked up during your marriage, our session discussions, exercises and homework will improve your communication skills, reduce arguments and allow for joy in your relationship.
During the sessions there is Four areas of focus
Building a healthy communication style (see previous tab)
Building marital friendship and intimacy
Creating healthy response style to problem, conflict, anxiety, etc.
Healing Past Hurt
Friendship & Intimacy Work
Most couples starting marriage counseling have lost that loving connection they once had. We work on re-connecting that spark you once had. Sometimes we even create a stronger bond than before.
Learn how to "accept" our spouses "bid" for connection
Couples that accept bids 86% of the time or more stay married
Couples that only accept bids 36% of the time or less get divorced
Learn how to "turn toward" your spouse to build an emotional bank account (see video)
How to use shared humor and affection to calm tension during conflict
Build shared meaning with each other to create joy, pleasure, happiness
Healing Past Hurt
Getting hurt is part of life and happens in all relationships. We go over how it is different in marital relationships and how to heal it.
Deconstructing Anxiety Method
How to free yourself from apprehension, nervousness,
ruminating, restlessness, worry, anxiety or panic.
I see two types of people in my practice with anxiety problems.
The first type are people who experience anxiety symptoms ranging from an uncomfortable feeling to debilitating worry in their day to day life. This creates feelings of "being stuck", "a failure", or "a threat" is always around the corner.
The second type are people who do not experience traditional anxiety symptoms, they feel like life is not “bad”, but they are also not happy or have feelings of fulfillment in life.
To help you start having a fulfilling life, without constantly worrying about the future, I use the technique called "Deconstructing Anxiety Method". It was created by the psychologist, Dr. Pressman. He started to work on the anxiety problem over 40 years ago and how he has written several book and does training on his method to the mental heath field.
I have also been using Deconstructing Anxiety Method for other mental health problems. A few of the common issues I treat with this method is depression, some trauma, ADHD, marriage conflict and work goal setting.
Watch this 30 minute overview video to help you get an understand of why the Deconstructing Anxiety Method was created and why it is so successful.
I have been extensively trained in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method from Dr. Pressman himself. I have been using this therapy technique since 2021 for more than just my anxious clients.
Contact myself today to schedule your free consultation to make a treatment plan for you.
Schedule your free consultation HERE! or Text myself at (616) 822-8340
Solution to Anxiety Disorders & Symptoms
The Deconstructing Anxiety Method
If you're an anxiety sufferer, you know how frustrating and hard to control or deal with it can be. Have you worked the problem from every angle you can conceive of, used all your best tools, and still, too often, the anxiety does not improve.
The Deconstructing Anxiety program has demonstrated its effectiveness in treating anxiety by getting to the True Source of the problem. With its unique approach to finding the single “core fear” that is responsible for all anxieties pain & suffering we experience
Once a "Core Fear" is identified, we will use three new powerful strategies for getting unstuck...quickly, powerfully and reliably. FINALLY, you can look forward to getting truly free from anxiety's grip, and set yourself on the road to deep and lasting fulfillment.
Imagine...
Being truly fulfilled in love, perhaps turning a relationship that has gone stale into one that vibrates and zings with fulfillment!
Finding your authentic identity and expressing it fully, no longer hampered or stifled by the fear of what others might think.
Discovering a deep and rich meaning in life, like perhaps you knew as a child, playing, dancing and singing with a sense of the miraculous everywhere around you.
Creating or developing a sense of purpose that assures you are doing just what you were meant to do on the planet, for the betterment of yourself and humankind.
Highlights of Past Principals
1st Principal: Core Fear
Everyone has one PRIMARY “Core Fear”: The loss of “Love and Connection”, “Identity”, “Meaning”, “Purpose” or The “Fear of Death”
Our primary Core Fear is the lens we use to interpret, not only the other four fears, but also how we see the world around us. This is an important part of this principle because this is one reason events are "interpreted" differently.
2nd Principle: Using a Defense
As we are experiencing a situation or event, the survival mechanism in our brain will always ask the question:
Is this situation or event a threat or scary
If it answers yes, we will use a defense - that is, our “primary strategy for protecting ourselves” from the threat or danger.
All defenses uses controlling behavior to defend against the threat.
Avoiding behavior is a type of controlling behavior.
3rd Principle: Defenses Always Backfire
Defenses always backfire when used in relationships!!!!
Anxiety that comes from the fear response is deeply-rooted in the human condition. Meaning, we are wired from birth with a fear response as part of our survival mechanism, which is why it is instinctually turned on when confronted with a threat.
Where this survival instinct fails us is when we see “threats” in our relationships. To be more specific, it is when we see “emotional threats”. Because our brain does not see a difference between a physical threat vs. an emotional threat. Therefore, in both situations, the result is the same, our fear response is activated, which then activates one of our defenses to protect against the threat.
Is The True Cause of Suffering
The reason that defenses “always” backfire is because when using defenses to “control” what our brain perceives as a threat, does not work in relationships like it does with physical danger. In a relationship, the defense is trying to “control” every variable outside of yourself. This is why not only does our defenses ALWAY BACKFIRE, but usually makes the situation worse.
New: 4th Principle: Anxiety’s Definition & Detection
When used in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method
The term anxiety is more than just clinical symptoms
—> the lowest level of anxiety is a “problem”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “uncomfortableness”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “worry”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “frustration”
—> if left unresolved it turns into feeling “anxious” with traditional anxiety symptoms
—> if left unresolved it turns into feelings of “panic”
What is Automatic Anxiety?
How to Identify if There is a Problem & Why.
Look for defense
4th Principle: Anxiety’s Definition & Detection
When used in the Deconstructing Anxiety Method
The term anxiety is more than just clinical symptoms
- the lowest level of anxiety is a “problem”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “uncomfortableness”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “worry”
—> if left unresolved it turns into a feeling of “frustration”
—> if left unresolved it turns into feeling “anxious” with traditional anxiety symptoms
—> if left unresolved it turns into feelings of “panic”
What is Automatic Anxiety?
How to Identify if There is a Problem & Why.
Look for defense
5th Principle: Unveiling Fear's Deceptions
The intricate relationship between fear and truth. Fear is what triggers all suffering. It does this by distorting our perception of reality, convincing us to look at only what we feel safe to see, to believe only what aligns with our established beliefs. It tells us all the rest is too threatening to consider. This creates a subjective "reality” that, in the end, has us thinking about all the scary things we are working so hard to keep out of awareness!
Fear uses 5 primary deceptions to accomplish its goal:
1.It keeps us from seeing that it is ubiquitous, a constant way of thinking and feeling when we are not wholly fulfilled.
2.It keeps us from realizing it is the true source of any problem.
3.It keeps us from looking directly at it to see it for what it is.
4.It keeps us from facing and moving through it when necessary.
5.It keeps us from looking at or facing the correct fear.
The Deconstructing Anxiety Solution
With the proper deconstruction, we can gain the right insight into our suffering and use it to inform the right action that will resolve our suffering. This insight, in the Deconstructing Anxiety model, requires finding what we call our “core fear”, hidden by our “chief defense”. The fail-safe solution for resolving anxiety and, in fact, any suffering, is to “do the opposite” of the chief defense. In so doing, we expose the core fear it was hiding, and thereby face the core fear—the true source of suffering—to discover it was a mouse that roared, holding nothing like the threat we were so afraid of. This, as the Deconstructing Anxiety model shows, is the most direct route to effective healing and growth.
to gain deeper insights into fear's deceptions and how understanding them can lead to a life of freedom and fulfillment.
I'll see you here next week when we talk about the “manipulations” of fear.